It's not what he says...

I can't tell if I'm being a total girl or if there's actually something going on, but lately, I feel like I'm the girl in "He's just not that in to you." You know...the one who justifies everything and doesn't "get" that he's just not that in to her. Yeah--but then I've been told I over analyze things. Who knows?!

The guy I'm seeing tells me he thinks about me all the time, yet when I text in the morning, I don't hear from him. Wait, not true...I usually get a text back after a few hours. In my head I think, it doesn't take that long to send a text back, so his lack of response is being interpreted as it's not important. That I'm not important. Then I go...no, he's super busy and I'm sure he's in a meeting or can't text right away.

At the same time, I know he has his phone on him most of the time.

If I was important to him, wouldn't he send a quick text?

I've also sent emails, Questions of the Day, his way and no responses lately. None. I've stopped sending them as they were meant to be a way for us to get to know each other a little better...but in reality, he's learning about me and I'm not learning about him.

It's starting to wear on me and I honestly feel like he's pulling away. He's not investing in this any more, even though he says he is. In all fairness, he does things like prepare food to grill for me and some friends and even makes this fabulous dinner as my friends and I are passing through town.

I really need him to be more available for me emotionally and via communication. The short text messages as our main source of communication isn't cutting it. We agreed early on that in order for a relationship to work, especially a long distance one, you have to make time for each other. I don't feel like that's happening right now.

So...am I over-anlayzing things? :S He says one thing, but his actions show different.

Are you for real?

Yes, I've been blogging over here more often, but trust me...I need to. The entire purpose of this blog is to work through the issues I've been ignoring for years. There are some major things happening that are causing me to face those issues, or at least think about them after ignoring for so long.

There's a boy in my life. Wait...correction. There's a man in my life. :)

We've had many honest conversations already and it always feel comfortable and easy. That's one of my 'must haves' on my list for a relationship...the ability to carry conversation without having too much effort behind it. Even the hard conversations have been easy.

I've also known for a long time that I need someone who can shower me with affection. Not because I'm a princess, but because I will do the same. I've been in relationships where I've been the giver and haven't had the same in return. While I never do anything expecting reciprocation, it is definitely a way that refills me so I can continue to give more. Otherwise, I'm giving and giving until there's nothing left to give. That's no bueno! He definitely likes doing little things for me, as I do for him. It's a good match.

I think I had an extra injection of the 'leadership' when I was born. I call it 'leadership'; others may call it 'strong-willed'. Potato...Potato...wait, that doesn't work well on a blog, but you get what I mean. I'm a strong leader, confident, know what I want (for the most part) and contribute most of that to seeing my mom raise me as a single parent. She worked full-time and went to school full-time to make a better life for us. **This is a whole other issue I'm working through--feeling abandoned as a child, but realizing as an adult that she did that for me.** This guy--definitely a leader, yet that's not the whole piece of the puzzle. Yes, he can lead me, but how does he do when I take the lead? He's fine with it, which is exactly what I want. I need to lead at times, like planning a date or making decisions, and he is ok with that. Now, I will say that when it comes to driving directions, we may have a few issues. Nothing major...yet. ;)

Even when I had a mini-freakout last week, being honest that I think I'm falling for him, yet feel him holding back, which in turn makes me want to hold back so I don't get hurt, he was very sweet about it and I think has stepped things up this week. Confession--I'm a girl and over analyze things. He was very busy last week, so I interpreted that as losing interest. Now that I have the crazy week, I see the other side of "I'm so busy I can't send a text message to you." Yet, he's the one calling me to talk.

So I ask this question, "Are you for real?" He seems too good to be true. However, this is one time I'm happy to be wrong as he IS the real deal.

So glad I put those 'wall building' tools away a few weeks ago.

3 weeks later

I can't believe that it's already been 3 weeks since my last post. The good news is that I've seen the new guy twice since the last post and things are going very well. But you know me, I wonder if they're going *too* well.

The same week of my last post, I bought a ticket to visit him. Why so soon? Partially because I didn't want to stay with him and needed to coordinate with a girl friend locally who I knew I could trust with the secret of why I was coming to town. More importantly, I wanted to see him again and see how things would go with us in the same city for a weekend. I can say that it was an amazing weekend, even with him trying to cancel our first date night out because he had a really bad day. I agreed to move our date night to the following night, but then told him I wanted to bring dinner to his place and watch a movie...that I was in town to see him and totally understand that he had a bad day, but that didn't mean we couldn't see each other. Major brownie points for me as he told me multiple times that was the nicest thing a woman's ever done for him. *I rock!* He surprised me too with roses, wine, and a mini-birthday cake.

Date night the next night was also amazing...great conversation and getting to know each other, great food and wine and we ended the night poolside at a hotel bar, cuddling on a lounger and talking until the bar closed. I get nervous that the conversation will feel too forced, but with him, it's very natural...genuine...comfortable...which in turn is a little terrifying!

I got back yesterday from another amazing weekend with him. Truly amazing. But--yes, there's a but--we had some interesting conversations about distance and work schedules. He has a lot going on right now, and as much as he cares about me, is focused on other things. I'm putting on the brave face of "It's ok...I totally understand" and am being supportive, but at the same time, I feel like I'm initiating all of the effort at this time. Wait--not true--he did pay for me to come down, planned dates for us, etc. However, I'm the one who sends a text/IM each morning to say Good Morning. Yes, he responds, but I feel like I'm the needy one because I'm not getting the attention I want.

Bottom line--I'm psyching myself out about this and can't do that. He is AMAZING and worships me. ;) As I do him. I'm very attracted to him and love that we connect on multiple levels. We get each other and as much as I wish he showered me with attention all day long, I know that he will when he has time. He surprises me and sends me text messages every now and then, which means I know he's thinking about me.

Don't you hate how you can sabotage something before it even starts? That's it...stopping it right now!

Skeptical is my middle name

I'm realizing more and more that I'm seriously effed up when it comes to relationships. I'm probably not as bad as I think I am, or at least I hope that's the case.

I recently decided that I was going to be more open to what the universe was bringing my way. Whatever I've been doing, or not doing, as the case may be, isn't getting me anywhere. I've been told that I have a wall up when it comes to guys and the more I think about it, I believe that may right. Whenever I get the vibe that someone is interested in me, I can actually feel myself start shutting them down. It's a defense mechanism. I'm protecting myself before I even have a chance to get hurt.

I think the loneliness, lack of having someone to share those special moments with and the fear of never being loved has finally collided enough for me to open my heart to the possibility of dating someone. Thus the "What's this wacky universe have in store for me" way of thinking. Not even the guy I shared a cab with in NY from the UK who tried to kiss me could stop me from this new thinking. You might think that would encourage me, until I told you he had a wedding ring on. What?! No way jose. That is one game I DO NOT play.

I guess the wall is coming down as I was asked out last weekend for drinks by a great guy. I wasn't sure it was a date as we had met briefly a few weeks before at an event and while he was in my city (of course he doesn't live here), I asked about getting together for some tech advice. He suggested drinks on his last night and I figured it was just getting together to chat. Halfway through the night when he asked if I was seeing anyone, that's when I realized it was a date. Duh!

Sounds decent so far, right? Now let me break open that nasty bottle of skepticism. As he asks if I'm seeing anyone and if I'd mind if he came back to visit sometime, my response... "really? Me?" His response, "Yes. You're gorgeous." That's when I start building that wall again. I think it's a bunch of bull and he's just feeding me lines to get what he wants.

Why is it so hard for me to accept those words of flattery? Is it because guys don't approach me or ask me out? That's not entirely true...I am approached, but it's usually for intel on my much hotter friend. Guys don't like me, at least not enough to ask me out, and this is what I've told myself for years. So when it happens, I totally question it instead of enjoy it.

This guy is a good guy. The people he is close with are good people in my book and trust me, in the community he's in, there are some shady people as I'm quickly learning. Not shady in a super bad way, but those that don't care about what people think about them and you really can't trust them with any kind of personal information. We all have 'those people' in our communities. I've been burned bad in the past by those types and choose not to have anything to do with them outside of mass social events.

So what's a girl to do that's so jaded, doesn't know how to trust and when to unpack that baggage she's been carrying around for years? We're definitely talking about moving forward, getting to know each other and visiting very soon. I've told him I need to move slow and that I have some major issues with intimacy. Honestly, bottom line, I think it's the fear of having to share these issues with someone that has caused me to build that wall so incredibly high that I feel unlovable. That and the fear of rejection. If I don't let someone in...I can't get hurt. Easy enough!

I'm on the verge of tears right now as I think about possibly, someday, maybe having to share these issues with him. I think they are big enough for someone to walk away from me for good. They have been packed away for so long...a big, dark secret that I sometimes forget it's a part of my past. Yet, it's something that will have to be dealt with. I just wonder if he's the one to join me on that journey. Honestly, it's more about if I'm ready to drag him down that dirty road with me.

I got an interesting message from a guy friend who I asked for some advice from as he had done just a few weeks ago, encouraging me to get out there and meet people. I told him that being skeptical is my natural defense and I didn't know why someone would want to date me; so I think it's all fake. My friend's response was to not think that I had to do something to accept the attention and affection. Others have told me to just enjoy it.

I'm taking the first steps towards realizing and accepting that someone could actually like me. I'm trying to keep that wall from going up and as soon as I start building it up, I take a break to think about why I'm doing it. The new guy and I have established that we don't like games and want honesty, which again is scary as we've just started this thing...whatever 'this thing' is. Labels, I don't even like them in my clothes. Why add them to my life and relationships? Psshhh.

So there I am...posting as my therapy as I do want to at least give this a try. I very easily could have turned away, shut him down and decided I wasn't that in to him. But realize that's the "I'm going to avoid this at all costs so I don't get hurt at all..." defense showing up. I don't want that. This is a good guy, who seems to be genuinely interested in me. So why not see what the Universe has in store for me?

And I'm back...

Wow--it's been over 5 months since I've posted here. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I've started a public blog and have tried focusing my efforts there. However, it's hard for me to be 100% transparent as it's tied to my 'personal brand' and there are things I need to get out that aren't quite appropriate for the public side. I just can't do it...yet.

This has been a super rough week. I'm have a mini-crisis of career path. Well, that's not entirely true. It's not just career path, it's life path. The age old question of "what do you want to be when you grow up" keeps rolling around in my head and to be honest, I don't have an answer, which is where the crisis comes in.

I was laid off from a job I thought was great just over a month ago. I was there less then 90 days and never saw it coming. I feel like I failed. That I didn't do things the right way. That working 12 hour days to get things in order wasn't good enough. That I wasn't good enough. Maybe I just wasn't good enough for that job. I had another job offer before I even walked out of the office for the last time.

What I'm doing now is OK, but I don't know if it's what I want to do long-term. I'm trying to tell myself that we're still on a learning curve right now as I'm trying to help this person get things in order with his personal brand and his company. He is traveling and speaking all over the world (has written a few books) as well as is still involved in his company. I'm here to help him manage both areas as well as advance both areas. I enjoy this as it involves strategic thinking (which I <3) and organization. What is killing me right now is working with him to recondition the way he works. I feel like a constant nag and am giving up on trying to manage him. I can't do that.

I'm also starting to wonder if I'm doing this because I like to help friends. Yes, we've been friends for a while and he's been asking me for help for months, but I couldn't do it due to my full-time work. As soon as I saw that wasn't going to be an option much longer and mentioned it to him, he told me he'd hire me on the spot. Talk about perfect timing. He definitely needs the help, and he'll be the first one to admit it. I just don't want to stay committed to it because I want to help him out and because he needs it. I want to stay committed to it because I love it.

As if that wasn't enough, I've now had 2 other friends come to me with offers for full-time jobs. I trust both of these people and highly respect them. I know either one of them could say the word and I'd be set. The problem with these is that they are for corporations, big, international companies, and I don't think I'd have the freedom of schedule the way I do right now if I joined on as an employee. Granted, neither one of them has made an offer (one won't come until later in June). Having just come from an 8am-5pm corporate, cubicle setting, I don't think I want to go back to that.

Then there's the money. I know I'm not charging my current client enough on an hourly rate. I underestimate myself. The good news is one of the job offers is someone who knows how much I'm being paid and has told me that's not enough. I know she'll look out for me when the offer comes from her. I need to be OK with charging what I'm worth. If I wasn't so kickass, people wouldn't be coming to me with job offers when I'm not seeking them out, right?

People are telling me to start my own company. That scares me...what if there isn't income? What if I don't have a client or two? What would I do with my company? Events? Organization? Rent-a-mom, which is what I sometimes feel like. Starting my own company feels like there's some major responsibility with it. Hell, who am I kidding...I've been contracting with people for over a year. People are hiring me, but the position changes from client to client. And usually I'm hired for full-time work, so I don't see what the difference is in me doing my own thing as a full-time contractor vs. being an employee. Benefits vs. being on call all the time?

It irks me so much that I don't know what I want to do. This is not the normal me. I usually have a plan and am rocking the world with that plan. I'm not wishy-washy, yet lately, I feel very much like Charlie Brown and have no idea what the eff is going on.

Funk, funk, go away...before I have to kick your a**.